≡ Menu

INTJ INTJ Relationships: Guide For Robots In Love

INTJs in love

Ok, using the word robots is a bit much.

Or is it?

Have you ever known INTJs who used this word to describe themselves?

Are you an INTJ who describes yourself this way in the world of romance?

Brace yourself….

What would happen if we were to combine two of the most analytical, introverted personality types, and create a monster:

The INTJ INTJ Relationship.

INTJ INTJ relationship

What an INTJ INTJ Relationship looks like

All joking aside, is it really as impossible as it sounds?

Here’s the deal: INTJs are notoriously rigid in their perspectives. They arrive at their conclusions in life after careful analysis and evaluation of experiences.

The INTJ spends a considerable amount of time in their own space, thinking, reflecting and planning.

The INTJ thrives on escaping to isolation as much as necessary. Comfort and the ability to recharge can be found in a quiet place.

This is where the INTJ can find peace.

It is this dogged Introversion trait that defines the INTJ most.

We’re talking about INTJ romance and relationships in this article.

What sets sparks flying is attraction.

Here is where we might encounter the first obstacle: differences in perspective.

The INTJ, as we’ve already seen, arrives at their worldly opinions after careful deliberation.

It is very difficult for an INTJ to accept the opinions of others when there is a clash of ideas.

On a date with another INTJ, the INTJ will find even a slight difference of opinion impossible to let go.

The date might turn from initial potent chemistry to impending disaster.

The reason for this is simple: the INTJ finds it very hard to respect different perspectives on matters of principle and logic.

This inability to share a common perspective on abstract matters can kill the overall attraction in the dating process.

So, a slight difference can manifest in a breakdown of the budding relationship.

Now, imagine this INTJ feature with not one, but two INTJs dating each other.

The effect is multiplied and the mental intensity is anathema to building attraction.

Trapped In Our Heads

INTJ mind

How an INTJ mind functions

Buy why on earth won’t the INTJ just leave it, forget about it, and move on to something else?

It’s in our nature not to.

Look, we’re incredibly intellectual people.

We thrive on Intuition, on the abstract, on ideas.

We dwell in the realm of the mind.

Here we meet another obstacle in a potential INTJ INTJ relationship: the Introvert/Introvert conundrum.

Keirsey described how opposites generally attract in relationships; opposites in the sense of key personality preferences.

One of these is the Introversion/Extraversion function.

The INTJ, in theory, needs the balancing effect of an Extravert to even out their natural inclinations towards solitude.

An Extravert adds a more outward-facing social perspective in a relationship that bolsters the INTJ’s natural weaknesses.

What is the significance of this?

Direction.

As functioning human beings we need to eat, build shelter and defenses, and interact with one another.

Ideas and planning are essential, but doing things is critical.

In life, the INTJ might have a tendency towards over-thinking and under-acting.

In a relationship where both partners share this trait, the relationship is liable to go nowhere.

Stagnation is death to romance.

Sure, INTJ INTJ relationships might share a great degree of comfort, understanding, and perhaps even similarly shared world perspectives.

However, this comfort might cause the INTJ couple to become too used to one another, and too predictable in each other’s eyes.

Familiarity Breeds Contempt

INTJ INTJ Relationship Problems

Taking your partner for granted is a drawback in every relationship.

You have to work hard to maintain space, mystery and each other’s identity in the relationship unit.

The INTJ INTJ couple might struggle particularly here.

When you are a capable listener and able to catalogue information efficiently, you tend to learn the ways, thoughts and behavior of people. INTJs excel at this.

This is a detrimental ability in a relationship.

Between two INTJs, boredom will creep in. A certain same-old, same-old develops and slowly the intense, heady bond begins to show cracks.

Add to this the INTJ’s authoritative or commanding traits and conflict is a predictable consequence.

INTJs trap each other in their worlds of abstraction and logic.

Again, let’s touch on Keirsey’s understanding and add one more function.

An Extraverted-Feeling partner would solve the aforementioned INTJ relationship downsides.

This Feeling trait might well act as a counterweight to the logical and structured brain of the INTJ.

The addition of emotion into the equation would add a degree of variability and a sense of the unknown into the world of the INTJ’s relationship with this Feeling partner.

The INTJ needs this challenge and this, as it were, emotion-problem that would need to be constantly solved.

The INTJ would be kept guessing and the typical relationship ennui would be kept away longer and longer.

By now we truly understand the importance of balance in a relationship.

It is this writer’s opinion that the achieving of balance in the realm of an INTJ INTJ relationship would be both difficult to achieve and difficult to maintain.

There is too much dominance in key personality areas for there to exist a healthy balance.

But let us finally envision a situation where balance could be achieved.

In an INTJ INTJ relationship where a high degree of trust exists, a dynamic involving a more dominant INTJ leading a more submissive INTJ could, in theory, work.

An understanding of each other’s natures, combined with a deep respect for each other and the willingness to accept specific roles, all could come together to create a healthy, functioning relationship.

It’s also important to stress that personality types should function only as a guide when it comes to searching for romantic partners and relationships.

There is wide variation within individuals and this must be the overarching perspective.

And INTJs, especially, must understand that a degree of compromise is essential when becoming involved in a relationship.

What are your thoughts? Are you in a successful and thriving relationship with another INTJ? Share your comments below.

P.S. I’ve read a lot of books and taken a lot of courses, but the one thing that has helped me the most is the INTJ Starter Kit by Personality Hacker. If you’re an INTJ who is tired of general self-improvement advice and who wants specific, tailor-made suggestions on how to optimize your life, you should check it out.

You can learn more about INTJ Starter Kit here.

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Candis February 9, 2018, 10:46 pm

    I’ve been in a very successful relationship with another INTJ for over a year now 🙂 we were friends before, but ended up falling for eachother because it’s basically like looking in a mirror. Familiarity is definitely a thing, but it’s balanced I think by our shared hobbies and overly passionate attitudes towards them. We don’t talk terribly much, but we wouldn’t be anyway with others, and when we do talk it’s usually discussing something and our thoughts on things, which basically turns into a game of finish each others sentences. We say and do the same things at the same time constantly, kind of like the stereotypical identical twins in movies. It’s creepy sometimes lol on the plus side we are very good at buying eachother presents, but very bad at surprising eachother with them xD aside from never fighting because we always want/think the same thing, I think the sheer fascination in being with someone with basically the same brain as me keeps things interesting. Only down side (from an outsiders perspective) would be that we are both the kinds of people who become obsessed with only one or two things at a time, so our lives would be very boring to others even though we are perfectly fine with it. At the moment, all we do is fish lol

  • Vasil Cvetkovski February 19, 2018, 8:57 am

    I have not found a female INTJ to try, but I have tried almost all the others and they sucked – especially the dialectic opposite [ESFP]. Before I read this, I pictured that the understanding and intellectual conversations are all we need. Moreover, at least there would be no constant pressure to be romantic; or commit “public displays of affection” (Unless you are falling off a cliff, I would rather stick my hand in a crocodile’s mouth than hold yours!); or (worst of all) engage that… god-awful… absolutely satanic… intellectual-debilitation… called… “SMALL TALK”!!!

    Could you clarify the following: why is the inability to let principle disagreements go a bad thing? No one is monolithic, but INTJs are genuinely open-minded and enjoy talking about such disagreements, but only if the person addresses them logically, so it is a major problem for dating other types. For example, I am a Marxist and have turned others over to Marxism from all sides. An argument is an opportunity. However, Marxism is less dogmatic than other [incorrect] ideologies, so perhaps not everyone thinks this way?

    The way I see it, both our compatibility and relationship-sustainability rates are morbidly low across the board, so it only comes down to who is slightly more likely to put up with us slightly longer than the others. I agree the ENTJ is best fit for this difficult task, followed by the INTJ (both of which I have not dated). Anyone else think differently?

  • Austin March 12, 2018, 9:02 am

    Super interesting article, but I am not sure I totally agree. Candis’ comment was especially fascinating to read.
    I am an INTJ and recently had a bunch of my friends take the MB test. I was super surprised to learn that ALL of my very closest friends and family members were INTJs. I then reflected back over my favorite movies and stories and realized that all my favorite characters were INTJs. In fact, I realized that the only people in the entire world that I seem to truly respect and like are other INTJs. Sure we may disagree, but we do it politely and know when to back off. I’ve never had any significant luck with any relationship I’ve had and all of them have NOT been INTJs. All this leads me to wonder if I should actually be looking for an INTJ. Yes, I see the flaws, but think about the positives! Candice points out what sounds like an idyllic relationship to me.