Let’s be honest:
Chemistry is possible between all personality types.
Satisfied with this answer?
Don’t worry, I didn’t think so.
So you might be wondering: should I try to make things work with that ESTJ at work?
But let’s look at some of the reasons why.
We can immediately look at one factor for success in an INTJ ESTJ relationship: the Introversion Extraversion preference match.
We can describe this as a match because Keirsey, who built on the work of Myers and Briggs, explained how it is, in theory, very important for a couple to share opposing preferences in this primary function.
In a nutshell, opposites attract, according to Keirsey.
The outward-focused ESTJ thrives in the concrete and a rigid interpretation of the world.
They’re extremely loyal people, often devoted to their family, friends and country.
ESTJs enjoy interacting with people, which can contrast strongly with the INTJ’s inward-focused personality.
This key difference can be what makes an INTJ more sociable and willing to interact with others.
This can be hugely beneficial to the INTJ as it forces them to escape their beloved solitude and to perhaps learn about new perspectives on life from others.
In an INTJ ESTJ relationship, the INTJ can gain immensely from this outward focus of the ESTJ.
Like INTJs, ESTJs are hard working and competent individuals.
Both are driven and ambitious, and while ESTJs thrive in a more people-oriented managerial role, both are key components of a successful and profitable commercial organization.
In reality, though, things can work out quite different.
A Clash Of Perspectives
The ESTJ is quite particular about tradition and the way things have gone before.
The INTJ is more concerned about what works.
The ESTJ is keen to see the world as structured and organized; they especially love systems and processes but can often be accused of missing the bigger picture.
An INTJ, on the other hand, aims to have his or her internal world and thoughts structured and in order.
While it can be difficult for the INTJ to communicate why there is a better way of doing something, the ESTJ will find it difficult to communicate why the current way is better.
Both are not natural communicators, and both can be stubborn in their adherence to their view of what’s right.
ESTJs are known for their dislike of innovation and change.
It can be quite difficult to explain to the ESTJ that what they’re doing today might provide certain advantages, but today’s actions could be leading to a future negative result.
It is this inability to conceptualize abstract ideas that are often the downfall of an ESTJ.
This is a key area of incompatibility in INTJ ESTJ relationships.
Being unable to deeply discuss the abstract will be seen by INTJs are a major drawback in an intimate relationship with an ESTJ.
INTJs thrive on the sharing of ideas and being able to logically debate with others.
The rigid, concrete thinking of the ESTJ could prove too much, and frustrate the INTJ in a relationship.
In the workplace, this effect can be exacerbated by the ESTJ’s devotion to authority and traditional morality structures.
Some describe it as the ESTJ’s desire to make the world fit their ideals, rather than basing ideals on how the world is and has always been.
These two features of ESTJ individuals are, in my opinion, a major source of doubt about the viability of a healthy INTJ ESTJ relationship.
INTJs are renowned for having a fundamental inability to convey empathy and emotion during an argument or discussion.
This is in spite of their deep feelings of empathy and their powerful emotional reserves which they save for only the most serious of conflicts.
In times of conflict in an INTJ ESTJ relationship, the rigid outward perspective of the ESTJ will invariably clash with the cold and considered position of the INTJ.
The ESTJ clings to external authority structures and often does not (or cannot) understand why they believe what they do.
This can be exasperating for the intuitive and probing mind of the INTJ.
It seems that both individuals operate on separate mental plains.
Ordinarily, the gap might be bridged by more gentle and persuasive communicators, those higher in emotional intelligence than in the abstract intelligence of the INTJ.
And it is for this reason that, on the balance of things, an INTJ ESTJ relationship will not survive in the long run.
No Redeeming Features?
We might be forgiven for being a little harsh on the attributes of the ESTJs.
However, we are looking at this through the eyes of an INTJ, and also aiming to help you make a decision on whether to start a relationship with an ESTJ.
It may be that ESTJs will serve better as friends than lovers.
ESTJs are known for their reliability and dependable natures. They love to see others happy, and to help to make the world a better place, to the best of their abilities.
Even though, in the workplace, they can be notoriously difficult to get along with, they are well-meaning, generally.
A friendship with an ESTJ could be possible when work isn’t involved.
We understand that balance is critical in relationships.
There has to be a degree of give and take, and an understanding of where your partner is coming from when they do something that irritates or annoys you.
The great, loving things your ESTJ partner might do can bring joy and warmth into your intense, intellectual INTJ world.
But that ease of intuitive intellectual depth in communication will always be lacking.
You could often feel dissatisfied and a little bored by the same old meaningless conversations.
It is true that, in the short term, you might find some comfort but over time you will be left wanting something more.
What are your thoughts? Are you in a successful and thriving relationship with an ESTJ? Share your comments below.
P.S. I’ve read a lot of books and taken a lot of courses, but the one thing that has helped me the most is the INTJ Starter Kit by Personality Hacker. If you’re an INTJ who is tired of general self-improvement advice and who wants specific, tailor-made suggestions on how to optimize your life, you should check it out.