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3 Factors Affecting Your INTJ ISFJ Relationship

INTJ ISFJ Relationship

Is this one of the worst MBTI personality matches?

Many think so.

But let me be clear:

Every relationship can work.

Yet still, no smoke without fire.

Let’s look at some of the key factors that could influence your INTJ ISFJ relationship.

If there is one area where INTJs are weakest it’s in the domain of feelings.

INTJs do not do well expressing their feelings or conveying emotions.

It’s not that they aren’t able to; it’s more that they don’t like doing it.

Perhaps in the past they had a number of bad experiences after being truthfully blunt.

ISFJs Are Feelers

Many, many people cannot handle the truth.

Truth is, in a sense, foreign to ISFJs.

Truth to them is what is practical and they personify this in their pragmatic approach towards life.

If they feel it, it is true.

This will be a recurring theme in any INTJ ISFJ relationship.

Unless you, as an INTJ, develop the capacity to understand and manage your ISFJ’s feelings, you will struggle to maintain a healthy, balanced relationship.

You will need to learn to let your ISFJ partner’s emotions wash over you and give them the space they need to express their feelings.

Often you’ll need to regularly remind them that you love them.

Often for the ISFJ, it is important to hear you say this, repeatedly, throughout the day.

You will, more often than not, be expected to drop whatever you’re doing so that you can give your full attention to your ISFJ partner, with whatever he or she wants to distract you with.

Distract may be a loaded term but it is apt for the context.

Simply put, your ISFJ can be more concerned with how they feel than how important your work is.

Feelings take precedence because ISFJs fundamentally exist in a world of feelings.

If, however, you were to interrupt your ISFJ partner with an emotional issue you were dealing with, they would be willing and happy to give you their full attention.

INTJs are not natural romantics or “feelers” and they will struggle to give their ISFJ partners what they need.

You will fail if you try to change your ISFJ partner’s ways.

You cannot introduce logic or some intellectual structure to them, beyond some superficial impact.

People Pleasers

ISFJ People pleaser

ISFJs are renowned for aiming to keep the peace and please others.

They hate conflict.

They are also known for going out of their way to help others, which is admirable.

However, they often go so far as to hinder themselves in the process.

INTJs, on the other hand, are rarely found helping others, if it is to their detriment.

INTJs employ their reasoning capabilities to see the pointlessness of engaging in such a situation.

We already know that abstract reasoning is a weakness of Feeling types, and this is especially so with ISFJs.

In the workplace, ISFJs will not rock the boat in any situation and will bottle up their feelings, only to unload them on their romantic partners later on, within the confines of their home.

Similarly, in social environments, ISFJs are known for their shy and socially anxious behavior, which, in and of itself, is not a problem for INTJs, but can lead to awkwardness where the INTJ is already awkward enough.

It is the socially-awkward, people-pleasing essence of ISFJs that can present incompatibility with the INTJ in an INTJ ISFJ relationship.

The INTJ may have greater plans for him- or herself.

They may want to be as outgoing and sociable as possible, even though it is an area of natural weakness for them.

They need a strong, socially-adept Extraverted partner to provide them with the subtle lead and example in the social environment.

This is just not possible with most ISFJs.

Lest we be too judgmental, we must note how strong ISFJs are with nurturing.

They excel at providing loving, selfless care towards the children in a family environment.

This is such an important factor in a relationship and indeed society at large.

Look Deeply Into Your Interactions

If the communication in a relationship can be described as normal or healthy, you should be able to comfortably chat with your partner for hours at times.

Your conversation should be easy and natural.

You shouldn’t have to feel like you’re making an effort to understand your partner or to change what you’re saying so they have a hope of understanding you.

You might find that in your INTJ ISFJ relationship the conversation is not deep and meaningful.

This doesn’t mean that your relationship is doomed, but you may need to explore friendships outside it, where you have an intellectual outlet and a space to be yourself mentally, as it were.

Often, ISFJs can be incredibly attractive individuals and your connection can seem magical at the beginning.

However you might start to notice how things become a little stale, intellectually, over time.

You need to look past the physical attraction and decide whether your ISFJ partner is on the same psychological wavelength as you.

Over time, frustration and resentment will seep into your relationship and things will turn sour, unless you can connect in this realm.

Often there is a novelty factor with a new partner as you begin to discover one another.

However with Sensing Feeling types you will begin to become bored as they just don’t have the same interest in generating new ideas and feelings as the Intuition Thinking and Feeling types do.

The effort you’ll have to expend in an INTJ ISFJ relationship just to maintain harmony might not be sustainable over a longer period of time.

Of course, every difference can be overcome, in theory, in any relationship. The question is, is it worth it?

And, what are the alternatives?

We also know that personality pairings should only be used as a guide but we still must not ignore some of the general lessons if we want to develop lasting and easy-going connections with our romantic partners.

What are your thoughts? Are you in a successful and thriving relationship with an ISFJ? Share your comments below.

P.S. I’ve read a lot of books and taken a lot of courses, but the one thing that has helped me the most is the INTJ Starter Kit by Personality Hacker. If you’re an INTJ who is tired of general self-improvement advice and who wants specific, tailor-made suggestions on how to optimize your life, you should check it out.

You can learn more about INTJ Starter Kit here.

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  • Susan December 3, 2017, 2:10 pm

    This was helpful, although not flattering enough to the ISFP to use aloud for examples to my husband. Many of our misunderstandings come not only from the predictable ISFJ/INTJ pitfalls, but moreover​ the fact that the INTJ in the relationship is the female (which eventually offends their preference for social norms and many other issues). Thank you for writing.